Archive for April, 2010

Self Mastery: Connection or Enmeshment?

Connection: We are always connected spiritually through the Universal web; a state of complete presence.

Enmeshment: Entangled, invalid, wanting, not present.

We are driven by needs not only to connect, and everything else that underlies our motivation underneath it: the need to be recognized, validated and known as someone who participated, contributing something to someone during our lives.

Becoming one of those famous double binds, this is an entangled net-mess in which two or more come together forever. Years down the road they don’t know the difference between themselves, carrying thoughts, emotions and even physical ailments that meet and match one another. Everyone is in co-dependent pain, together.

In what way do you suffer from feelings of disconnection, becoming unconsciously enmeshed in something or someone? At what point or under what circumstances do you choose to entangle yourself because you have forgotten who you are, that you are always connected and of value to the balance of all things?

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Awareness Exercise

Take a moment to relax, sit down, breathe deeply with your eyes closed. Bring your attention deep into the Center of your Head, your awareness falls back behind your eyes, almost to the back of your brain. Inhale and feel the breath clearing out your thoughts as it moves through your nasal passages into your head; exhale and release down your spine.

What color do you see inside your head?

Observe your attention inside of you while you look out beyond your body to the subtle energy field around you. Intentionally call back your energy from wherever you may have left it. Just observe.

Allow it to settle into your body; it also surrounds you, top to bottom, front to back. Now the outer edge of your energy field sits about 18 inches from your body; its inner edge gently caresses your skin.

How do you feel?

Try this in public, try it when you are with a friend. Try this when you are with family members. Be aware of the difference between you and the next person. Do it for a week and notice what happens in your relationship to yourself and with others.

Journey into the Shadows: Happiness

If you were offered an around-the-world ticket to visit 40 different countries and cultures, would you accept that gift?

If you had the knowledge and brain power to speak 40 languages (or even 10 for that matter), would you suppress that ability?

Why then do you only want one life experience? Why do you desperately wish to just be happy?

Humans are capable of experiencing many emotions and states of being, certainly over 40, and to live a life with only happiness would be an act of suppression and resistance, a denial of our human nature. And as long as they are embraced with the caveat of “harm none,” why wouldn’t we want to fully experience our natural states of being at least once on the path to limitlessness? How else can we be truly limitless?

What is happiness anyway? Can we find some sort of pleasure in all of our emotions and states of being?

Have you ever been happy and angry simultaneously? Have you ever been happy to feel pain, empathy, sadness or grief?

Happiness, sadness, anger, resentment, contentment, enthusiasm, amusement, trust, satisfaction, serenity, compassion, appeasement, sympathy, grief, jealousy, numbness, hopeless, useless, blame, regret, failure, embarrassment, apathy, joy, bliss, trust and gratitude; these are all languages of the soul, especially one in the process of expansion. Don’t you want to speak your own language? Don’t you want to experience everything possible in this human body… isn’t that why we came here?

Sometimes I believe that happiness is really just acceptance and all we want is to accept ourselves, our people and whatever else we create, whatever “happens” as a result of human being-ness.

If I were totally honest, I’d say I felt at least 10 different emotions or states of being on any given day. They would include vulnerability, demanding, sadness, content, powerful & less, anger, apathy, self-abasement, numbness, loneliness, enthusiasm and amusement. Do they create happiness inside me? Often they do and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes, the existence of one, leads to another and another. For example, if I feel powerless or apathetic, I often go to self-abasement and then loneliness because I feel ill-equipped to be with people under the cover of that level of “relatedness.” I just don’t want anyone to know this happens and definitely don’t want anyone to see me this way.

Honestly that’s a pattern of the past, and although it could present itself again, I’m not really concerned with how other people may view me while I’m in a vulnerable state.

Today I awakened with a bit of sadness, and life the last several weeks has been filled with idiopathic (unknown origins) sadness. My instinct was to override or deny its existence. Luckily (and with practiced awareness, BTW) I caught myself trying to suppress it. Instead I noticed it, did a little conscious breathing and said to myself, “let’s explore how it feels to allow this flow through me.”

Because I didn’t push it aside into some pre-existing cavern in my heart where all the old sadness has been stored for the past 5 decades, this sadness became just another wave crashing on the beach of my soul…and I love watching and listening to the waves coming in and going out…can’t stop the waves now can we?

Journey into the Shadows: Bleeding Heart

In the gray tones of early morning I sat on the only chair, a metal fold-up that scraped the marble floor when I squirmed halfheartedly as though tied to it’s frame like a hostage. Even indoors, there were clouds, more like a fast moving mist flowing by me in the foyer of this empty mansion.

Hands on my chest, I felt a slimy, sort of soggy stickiness over my breastbone; it felt like a t-shirt worn swimming, clinging coming out of the water. My body was almost vacant as I looked up at a wide and winding staircase unfolding gracefully in front of me. “Where in time am I, and how did I get here,” I wondered, all the while drawing soft, slow swirls like a finger painter in the liquid over my heart.

The touch was comforting, even grounding, as I siphoned myself from physical form to gas, and back to form again.

I was disoriented and even a little shocked, like a little old lady who moves from one dimension to another, alone and afraid, desperately clinging to something here and anxiously waiting for something there. Knowing nothing of where I was nor where I’d come from, I hesitated, turning my head left and then upward, eying those stairs, transporting myself to the top just to avoid looking down, to avoid the blood I’d mixed into my skin.

“Oh, I’ve had open heart surgery,” I said it casually and quietly, aloud nevertheless. Somehow I knew it, though my critical mind only wanted to know why I couldn’t climb those stairs. I observed my obsession like a crazy person, disconnected from reality; and I was.

Then the kids came. They were actually young people in their 20′s, maybe 30′s, although still kids to me in this moment. They ran up and down the stairs; no, really, they floated. They laughed and chattered, gingerly moving up and down, side to side, covering all the square footage of those stairs like a bunch of faeries buzzing about. They played together and mocked me. At least that’s what I thought.

Some of them looked down at me while humming by; they seemed so incredibly big, so tall. They looked and sighed, looked and laughed; looked again and slowly shook their heads side to side; it felt like dismissal to me. I was as soft as a down pillow, feeling poked, dented and oh, so vulnerable. I was weak with my thoughts, yet still wanted nothing more than to climb those stairs. Focused and greedy, I reached out to grasp, yet nothing was there.

They taunted, I thought, yet my newly exposed heart muscle knew they were my surgeons; it took all of them to operate on my calcified and crusty old heart.

The dream never really ended before I awakened, yet I wrote it and lived it through the remainder of the day, asking for some level of spontaneous divine interpretation. Simply at first, I chose to relate it to a heart opening, a crack in the emotional egg–protector of my being-ness. Then I started to relax my logical functions feeling it’s meaning expand like an emotional shift or a spacial rift in the earliest of stages. In contrast, I was an old woman dying to herself, her heart shut down, and then re-awakening to the sound of my innermost voice, this child-like soul.

And I’m not certain about anything. I am a beginner now, newly born. Crying loudly each day, I am unable to walk up the stairway to enlightenment because I can’t even crawl yet! Free at last, my “heaven’s heart” shines through!

Journey into the Shadows: Finding the Heart

I am a Star Trek fan. Although I’m not a real “trekkie,” or “trekker,” as they are called, so far I’ve seen complete series of “Next Generation,” “Deep Space Nine,” all Captain Kirk’s as well as Next Generation’s movies, and am now 6 episodes from completing “Voyager.” Every possible human emotion moves through me while watching these episodes, and the fact that my mind expands each time is icing!

The other night in the saga of Voyager, Seven of Nine (part human, part cybernetic female) is re-learning about her humanity by activating her mammalian, limbic brain in a series of simulated interactions on the holo-deck. Unfortunately, she experiences near coma when the emotions of an unrequited and passionate romance begin to flow.

The Doctor rescues and revives Seven, discovering her cortical implant–an installed mechanism that keeps her higher brain functioning–blocks her ability to experience this facet of her nature. He can heal her, yet it will be a tedious and drawn out series of operations that may ultimately alter her ability to retain the level of acquired knowledge and intelligence she has developed over her 25 years or so of life.

Here’s a little history. Seven was abducted and altered in early childhood by the aggressive cybernetic Borg race. After years living as a drone in a “collective” where there is only one hive mind, she has much trouble fitting into the mixed society of individuals aboard Voyager. At first very reluctant and uncertain about reintegrating back into the world of humans, she acquiesces and slowly incorporates the fact that everyone has a special function here. The biggest challenge is the absence of her fellow drones, replaced by emptiness and worse, her own thoughts.

In spite of her growing relationship with her individuality, by the end of this particular episode she is frustrated and decides this change is too big an undertaking. The Doctor’s final words of wisdom to Seven are this: “finding one’s heart is the surest road to individuality.”

At one point in my blog (see April 9th issue; Self Mastery: Oneness & Individuation) I spoke of the soul as a reflection of our heart in both its physical and energetic characteristics, residing in the chest cavity adjacent to the physiological heart. The soul is actually anchored there and emanates throughout our bodies, filling our cells and blood vessels, our bones, brain and nervous system as well as all the matching energetic components. Like the subtle energy bodies which are anchored in each chakra, connected by matrices of nerves into the web of oneness, the soul is connected to everything spiritual around us and everything in our bodies that makes us individual.

The soul is the center of our being-ness and the heart is the center of our physiology. I see the two components together (along with the thymus and nerve plexus) creating the 4th chakra. The key here being, heart and soul are the same, we as individuals are our souls and our spirit is more Universal.

On another physiological note, the heart does not float alone in a separate sea inside our chest, anymore than the brain does inside the skull. Whether we are speaking to upper brain, middle brain, brain stem or lower brain, there are nerves running between the heart and brain, connecting thought to compassion and affinity. In fact, the vagus nerve is the main nerve between the heart and brain. Its presence and connection allows the heart to beat without thought or a plan, and allows us to breathe without pre-meditation, effortlessly and eternally filling ourselves with life force, enticing the winds of inspiration to blow through us.

Because the vagus nerve is the center of the parasympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and is linked to the rest and relaxation response, all we need do is rest to ignite communication between head and heart. Connecting these dots is imperative for stress reduction which is a complex mental-emotional-physiological mechanism operating along the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system.

When we have too many thoughts, an overwhelming amount of mental energy that is channeled only to “desk tasks” as opposed to physical energy, our systems become emotionally aggravated and the sympathetic controls flip on until we switch it off or turn on the parasympathetic switch. These two facets of the autonomic nervous system are always in operation, just like the two facets of any relationship, yet one can easily be oppressed by the other. Isn’t it strange that we need to sometimes jump start or remind the parasympathetic system to kick in?

Even during sleep and especially in the world now, our sympathetic branch of the ANS can be twitching away, keeping us from breathing easily, increasing our blood pressure and heart rate, slowing down our digestion and other detoxification processes which makes us cranky and edgy, physically ill at ease, and in turn disengages the energetic heart function. We are angry and uptight instead of warm, welcoming and compassionate because our physiological systems are imbalanced.

There are so many possible sources of dis-ease on physical, mental and emotional levels, which all boil down to big stresses on the human system and result in separation between head and heart. It’s easy to see why our intellectual functions overpower our heart-felt responses; what’s not so easy to see is how simple it could be to equalize the two forces, creating a limitless synergy, if we only stopped for a few moments each day to allow our body’s natural rhythms to balance our ANS, to calm that part of us that is addicted to being wound up or stressed. Ultimately the way we operate would be more integrated, and more individuated.

I’ve often wondered why we have to “try” to create rest in our lives! I’m looking for an answer here that links the physical to the energetic and have not found it yet. The simplest answer I know is: addiction and fear of our incredible capacity to embody spirit, to make it our own. Like masculine and feminine, shadow material and that which is in the light, we haven’t yet individuated body and spirit, heart and head.

For audio recordings and information about online courses to help you balance your heart and brain, please visit the Heart of the Mystic. Six week online courses are still discounted for one more month.

Journey into the Shadows: Denial

Today I am a brat. Actually I’m a brat every day, it just seems like today is a special day!

I’ve become intolerant of people who only show their best photos, quote others yet don’t reveal their own true thoughts, pretend they are having a wonderful time, meeting famous people, doing incredibly things like traveling and going to performances.

That’s what they say anyway…that’s what goes up on Facebook.

So, today I am a total brat. I took pictures of myself in my PJ’s, sans make-up, in bad poses with horrible facial expressions and even poses that make me appear 50 pounds over what I really weigh.

At least I’m pretty sure I don’t weigh in as heavy as I looked in those self-portraits today. It’s not easy to take a photo of myself without a timer or a tripod.

Turns out, that’s exactly what I wanted to present; me in the morning before showering, before any of the worldly accoutrements were donned.

I am Inanna, taking off my robes and jewels at every step as I make my way into the dungeon of true self-reflection.

Maybe you’ve been down here before?

Honestly, have you been here before?

I’ve visited in bits and pieces, for a quick weekend jaunt or an overnight, a momentary peak in the window, yet I’ve never lived down here.

Each time I come up for a breath of fresh air, into the light, I believe I am finished…at least for now. I’m not.

The truth is, I haven’t breathed it, eaten it, devoured and digested it all…not yet. Today I called on my Facebook friends to see themselves, asking why was everyone so superficial?

One person wrote back, “You first.”

So, I began my work today by taking ugly photos (or real photos) of myself. I put them out into the world like a before and after shot, this one quite the opposite of the traditional sort.

My before was prettier somehow; my after is very much an unattractive middle aged women whose wrinkles and cranky old morning behavior shows through.

I have no interest in lying, pretending, cheating or even pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes any longer. Especially my own.

So here I am, raw, vulnerable, honest and indulgent. It’s all for you. Do you see yourself in me or are you too afraid to look, too afraid to see or own it?

I am you and you are me. We are one.DSCF1514bIMG_1152