Yesterday I walked around for a few hours like an emotional bomb ready to explode…physically, like I’d eaten too much and couldn’t digest it all. When I looked in the mirror I saw a big, overweight person with wrinkles and sagging, leathery skin; a grumpy expression spread across my face. The person I saw was not the same me I’d seen there the day before and I really didn’t like who I saw.
Anger was pouring out me as I chastised myself for consuming so much sugary chocolate and drinking an average of two super-sized Starbucks chai tea mix each day last week. I was so inflamed, my joints ached with the stiffness of a 90-year-old and popped each time I moved an inch. I was incredibly pissed off that I couldn’t eat and drink these things occasionally. I wanted to eat “like a normal person.” With that thought I almost laughed…not quite there yet so instead, I took off down the well-known trail of anger leading to a huge drop off.
Hovering at that edge, action was nearly impossible as I moved sluggishly through the day…my body refused to do what I asked…at least at my usual speed. I hung by my nails, asking over and over, “What is this?!” I demanded an answer from the heavens…no response.
Three telephones rang, emails came in twice as quickly as one was deleted. People wanted my attention. As soon as I dealt with one thing, another came up. I wanted desperately to complete one of the tasks, yet each time I got on the phone to resolve something, the person on the other end got stupid! Information was lost, words were misunderstood and I was screaming inside ready to pounce! All this with one hand on the ledge of the cliff…I wasn’t about to fall.
Then, something in me said LET GO!
It was a long way down, that fall, yet I finally just stopped and breathed. I sat in my desk chair and expanded my belly with each inhale and contracted it with each exhale. The breath went down, down into the sacred center. My mind was still running, yet the edge softened and my body became more relaxed as the emotion began to loosen. Later I went to a yoga class where my thoughts mostly disappeared. By the time the day was closing into darkness I’d also had a session with my osteopath. I was aligned and the energy was flowing more freely.
Abdominal breathing is pretty powerful. In the very moment my breathing touched the inner surface of my lower belly, I could see more clearly. The fire in my head began to cool. As it touched my pelvic floor I was almost immediately sane again…at least I was able to know that all those details could wait.
Sitting in front of the fire last night, I knew I’d crossed the line from pure and simple anger into victim. I was at the effect of all the input rather than charged and ready to do battle. This is the key difference between momentary anger and feeling angry as a victim of circumstances. I was going down into a hopeless place, passing through resentment and wanting to blame the world out there for my state of mind and body. That didn’t last too long, because I’ve been down this road before…many times.
Being human, I could only see in retrospect the two points of choice where I could have turned it all around much earlier in the game. One was obvious: when I almost laughed at my thoughts of being a so-called normal eater. Amusement always moves us up the scale. When we laugh at our absurdity, we can potentially become enlightened in that moment.
The other opportunity was a bit more hidden from view. I if had taken the anger out of doors and gone for a walk it would have dissipated more rapidly, giving me an option to change it in the moment rather than allowing it to go further down the tubes. In that case, I wouldn’t have gone down the familiar trail…the one leading to the cliff, falling into victim. And as much as the breathing, yoga and alignment helped, why would I choose to use my valuable play and healing time to rectify all those broken bones?
Instead of using these three tools to move forward, they became my resolution and I stayed in the exact place I began. I became aware again at the end of the journey rather than changing it in the moment. My program didn’t de-volve yesterday; it actually might have evolved.
Awareness is a great thing. It helps us to recognize the edge before we jump the next time. Unfortunately though, it doesn’t become a tool until we use it to take action in the very moment we get the message that something is amiss. There is no alchemy after the fact. We can know it throughout eternity and never step into the next level of consciousness.
For information about your own personal Program, contact Christina Nixon: 505-992-8112 or christinanixon@sisna.com. She will guide to uncover the specific vibration and tone of your deepest pattern.
